While much attention has been paid to how we give feedback, less focus has been placed on how we receive it, particularly in less formal, more confrontational settings.
1. Ideas, Insights and Inspirations
The Common Misconception About Feedback
I've been thinking and writing a lot about feedback recently. The more I delve into it, the more I see how prevalent the topic is in our professional environments. Companies invest substantial time and effort in creating processes for delivering feedback - constructive, non-offensive, and palatable. We have developed techniques like "Crucial Conversations" to guide how we talk to people, focusing on their strengths without breaking them down. This is undoubtedly positive and essential work.
However, if we're honest with ourselves, the process of receiving "nice" feedback - feedback that is constructive and makes us feel good - can have a second-order effect: it prepares us for a very specific type of feedback, but leaves us unprepared for anything else.
The Problem with Formal Feedback Channels
Most feedback we think of comes through formal channels: 360-degree reviews, one-on-one meetings, or lab meetings. These are all structured processes designed to provide constructive feedback, sometimes even harsh feedback, but always with a focus on being ultimately helpful.
What we often neglect is how we deal with feedback that doesn't come through these formal channels - feedback that feels critical, mean, or confrontational. Most of us are wholly unprepared to deal with this kind of feedback. Think about the feedback you received when you were younger - comments that were hurtful, unfair, or tough to hear. Many of us still remember these remarks, unable to let them go.
Feedback is More Than Giving; It's About Receiving
We tend to think of feedback as something we give. When we think about receiving feedback, it's usually within those formal, structured settings - performance reviews, 360s, and similar modalities. Rarely do we consider feedback in its many informal forms. For example, if you're leading a meeting and nobody says anything, that's feedback. When you ask your team for creative ideas, and they remain silent or offer nothing constructive, that too is feedback.
The point is, feedback isn't just formal or confined to specific events; it is continuous, informal, and omnipresent. Yet, we are conditioned to think of feedback only within these formal structures, ignoring the other feedback we receive daily.
The Unhelpful Model: Fret, Fume, and Falter
When we receive difficult or critical feedback, we often fall into an unhelpful pattern: Fret, Fume, and Falter.
- Fret: We worry excessively about the feedback, replaying it in our minds and questioning its fairness or intent.
- Fume: We become angry or resentful, either towards the person who gave the feedback or towards ourselves for feeling hurt by it.
- Falter: We respond inappropriately, perhaps by lashing out, becoming defensive, or avoiding the person altogether. This reaction can damage relationships and close off opportunities for learning and growth.
This cycle of fretting, fuming, and faltering, only reinforces negative emotions and keeps us stuck, unable to move forward.
A Better Approach: "Assess, Ask, Act"
Instead of following the unhelpful model of Fret, Fume, and Falter, consider adopting a more productive model: Assess, Ask, Act.
- Assess: Evaluate the feedback objectively. What is it trying to convey? Is it helpful or hindering? Is there something you need to learn or address?
- Ask: If the feedback is confronting but might contain some validity, ask for clarification. "Tell me more so I can understand the issue."
- Act: Decide whether to act on the feedback. Sometimes the action is to change, but sometimes it is to acknowledge the feedback and move on without letting it affect you negatively.
Not All Feedback Requires Action
It's important to recognise that not all feedback demands a change in behaviour or thought. Some feedback is genuinely unhelpful, critical, or mean-spirited, designed more to hurt than to help. In such cases, fretting and fuming are natural reactions, but they aren't constructive.
Instead, evaluate the feedback - Is it useful? Does it provide something you need to know or change? If not, then your "action" might simply be to let it go and move on, refusing to let it disturb your peace of mind.
Feedback is a constant in our lives
While much attention has been paid to how we give feedback, less focus has been placed on how we receive it, particularly in less formal, more confrontational settings. By adopting a mindset that shifts from "Fret, Fume, and Falter" to "Assess, Ask, Act," we can better navigate the feedback we receive, learn from it where necessary, and dismiss it when it's not constructive. In this way, we can maintain a balanced approach to feedback, using it as a tool for growth rather than a source of frustration.
2. Reflections
The 10% Differentiator - OUT NOW!
Imagine someone with all the right skills and knowledge. What's that little extra they need to focus on? It's simple things: building relationships, listening to feedback, really getting to know others, and showing they care. These small actions make a big difference in being a great leader.
These observations inspired my research and became the driving force behind my new book.
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